The Double Crossing of Two Faced Fred

B-side of I Want To Be A Tree
Fiction FICS 21 - 08/84
"if trees grow in the forest...
...Pap grow in the trees"

One Dark Night
Oh, must be a year ago
I was lying in Bed -
That's me and Flo

Flo was roaring and snoring
But I could not sleep
See, me head was splitting
From counting up Sheep

When...
Thrrrp.

Yeah, someone - uh - spoke...

I kept me head, though -
I'm that sort of bloke
Well, I turns on me Lamp
To view this Intruder
"Begone !", says I

Or was it something ruder ?

I couln't see Nothing
Now the Light was clearer.
But as I turns past the Mirror
I see 2 eyes
In the back of me Head

Then a nose.

Then a mouth.

Its tongue a luminous Red

"Thrrrp", said the Head
"Just call me Fred"

"Well, that's my name too"

I said

To Fred.

The aforesaid.

Head.

Well, we Nattered and Chattered
Till the break of Dawn
In fact till Flo
Woke up
With a Yawn

Fretted Flo to Fred :
"Oh, he's never cared a Fig for me
Oh, The Fred I wed's a Freak
But to wed Two Heads -
Is this bigamy ?"

Said Fred :
"Dunno, but it's unique"

Flo pointed to the Door
More abuse was hurled
So Fred and me
Agreed to leave
To go and see the World

Arriving in Watford
(Via the course, of course)
Says I :
"I'm so hungry -I could eat a Horse"
"Banish thy pangs" - said Fred
"I'll do better for Thee
I'll catch us a sheep
We'll have cutlets
For Tea"

Well, I was keeping watch
Whilst Fred was seeking Sheep
But I counted two accidentally
And soon dropped off to sleep...

Fred went on perpetrating
This nasty, ghastly Crime
When :
"'ello, 'ello, 'ello",
said a voice behind.

The lawman said :
"You'll lose your head !"
Me eyes begun to run
So did Fred
(the aforesaid Head)

Already, I'd lost one.

"Sheep rustling ! Mmmm",
said the Judge
seizing his black hat
"I could put you
behind baaa's
Or cut off your Head".

And all he said was That.

They skewered me Head
On a Tower Bridge pike
It's a little bit Windy
But the view I like

'Ere, guess who I see courting
Caught in a Traffic Jam ?
Yeah, Fred
Sporting me headless Body
Supporting me old Ma'am

Fretted Fred to me :
(the aforesaid Head)
"Like me Body ?
It's new
I stuck me Head on
With Glue
I live in your old House
I love your old Spouse
Even She think's I'm you

"Thrrrp", I said !